I cannot speak for all people, since I only know myself fully; yet this holds true for the first 32 years of my life.
Some would describe me as narcissistic during those years, violently so. And the evidence of my actions would easily support my being labeled such.
None could know what was behind my behaviors, not because they didn’t try or care; but because I didn’t understand what I was doing or why myself. The things I had experienced as a child, the feelings I had toward myself, the anguish I tried to keep bottled up inside caused harm to all those around me.
Only twice in those first 32 years did I even glimpse what was inside of me and both times, in those moments of clarity I didn’t know enough to ask for help.
In all honesty I assumed there was no help available to me, so I put aside those I loved and cherished most in a pointless effort to protect them from what I was becoming or had become. And in doing so, inflicted even more harm upon myself. I became that which I feared and hated about myself and saw no way out.
Eventually society had enough of the pain that was pouring (not simply spilling) out of me onto others and placed me where I could no longer do harm.
There I was faced with the very thing that you mention here. Responsibility. I am not responsible for all that I suffered, nor for the imagined things that I thought about myself. Those things were learned throughout childhood and even as an adult. My responsibility began when I accepted that although my life was a traumatic experience up to that point, I could take the responsibility of my behaviors and have a choice over what I would do from that point onward. A choice, instead of reacting. A freedom to know myself and embrace the pain I had allowed to flow out onto others and choose to own it instead.
It has not been easy, by any means. A daily struggle and a daily reprieve as I walk forward upon this alternative pathway, unsure of my footing, often unable to see where the path I am on is leading. But the freedom to choose lays before me as does the choice itself.
I can continue on this new path or return to what I already know causes others pain. My responsibility lays in making the choice every single day. It is the focus of my life now, to make the choice and take the steps that will move me forward along this new path, perhaps not simply because it’s new to me or because it’s so different than anything I’ve known before; I see the choice as being free to have the choice itself or return to not having it by deceiving myself into thinking again that there is no choice for me.
I really appreciate your comments here. I think that is the biggest challenge – not to get into the behavior of trying to protect people from who you are. I work with so many addicts (and have been one myself!) , and I find that once we start exploring their addiction, they have adopted it as a strategy to actually love the people around them. They believe that by my drinking/numbing behavior, I’m protecting people from my anger, or my criticism, or my depression. The reality is that we heal by showing up as we fully are and seeking healing and help. That takes so much courage and faith in the people and community around us to be able to”handle our truth.”
I agree. I read somewhere years ago now that true humility isn’t bowing, scraping and pretending to be meek or humble - it is being genuinely yourself and admitting to others who and what you are. I’ve tried to put that into practice every day for the last 35+ years.
Being real and dealing from the real of who and what I am.
Thank you for your post, btw. It gave me pause to think and respond.
Thank you for the pictures and the quote Pamela. I always imagine what the world would be like if we all took the attitude of empathy first rather than assume animosity first. Namaste 🙏
And-I appreciate you commenting Pamela on this Thich Nhat Hanh quotation. I am a huge fan of Thich Nat Hanh and unfortunately, I used Buddhism and meditation as a way of spiritual bypassing. I tolerated a lot of abusive behavior, because it’s I would contextualize it, excuse it, and aim to use it as a catalyst for my spiritual growth. It actually became a form of spiritual arrogance: look at me transcending your abusive behavior using meditation. Therefore, I am a truly spiritual person.
Yes exactly that. It's to be used in my opinion to call it, name it for what it is. Not for you to endure someone's psychopathic tendencies. We cannot solve everyone else's issues, we have to sort ourselves out. And stepping out of the abuse whirlpool that one easily gets sucked into means you can heal if affected and you allow the other person a chance to sort out their stuff... I hope you are ok and are safe. No one should tolerate abusive behaviour.
I will be interested to read more about your empathicness, and how to protect one's self from the energy of others. Seems to me it is a constant battle--first trying to determine if what one feels is truly one's own, then how to resist it if it isn't. I am getting much better at not getting triggered by things, but it is hard to protect from energy that isn't yours. (I think of it like putting on a raincoat over an absorbent cotton shirt.)
Oh thank you for the lovely photos and quotes about nature and mindfullness. I hope you are well on your way recovering from your procedure and able to get about comfortably and reliably very soon.
Don't worry if you miss a post or two, taking care of yourself is most important .
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
I love this - my teenage son was yelling at us all the time and I finally listened beneath the yell was a cry for needing space and autonomy, but not knowing how to express it. I helped him find summer job away from home and he is sooooo happy now!
I am an also empath. I remind myself that hurt people hurt people. I can add to a suffering person's hurt by responding in kind of giving them grace. I take a deep breath when someone hurts me, and I choose to give grace.
I found them to be very helpful. "The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People" and "Second Sight" were both helpful and enlightening.
Fantastic quote and agree. But we cannot always be the ones helping. Unless they get professional help they will end up ruining you these hurting desperate people. Then again, I am no Buddhist monk to have endless portions of patience. This gives a very good understanding and realisation that it's not me... it's them.
I cannot speak for all people, since I only know myself fully; yet this holds true for the first 32 years of my life.
Some would describe me as narcissistic during those years, violently so. And the evidence of my actions would easily support my being labeled such.
None could know what was behind my behaviors, not because they didn’t try or care; but because I didn’t understand what I was doing or why myself. The things I had experienced as a child, the feelings I had toward myself, the anguish I tried to keep bottled up inside caused harm to all those around me.
Only twice in those first 32 years did I even glimpse what was inside of me and both times, in those moments of clarity I didn’t know enough to ask for help.
In all honesty I assumed there was no help available to me, so I put aside those I loved and cherished most in a pointless effort to protect them from what I was becoming or had become. And in doing so, inflicted even more harm upon myself. I became that which I feared and hated about myself and saw no way out.
Eventually society had enough of the pain that was pouring (not simply spilling) out of me onto others and placed me where I could no longer do harm.
There I was faced with the very thing that you mention here. Responsibility. I am not responsible for all that I suffered, nor for the imagined things that I thought about myself. Those things were learned throughout childhood and even as an adult. My responsibility began when I accepted that although my life was a traumatic experience up to that point, I could take the responsibility of my behaviors and have a choice over what I would do from that point onward. A choice, instead of reacting. A freedom to know myself and embrace the pain I had allowed to flow out onto others and choose to own it instead.
It has not been easy, by any means. A daily struggle and a daily reprieve as I walk forward upon this alternative pathway, unsure of my footing, often unable to see where the path I am on is leading. But the freedom to choose lays before me as does the choice itself.
I can continue on this new path or return to what I already know causes others pain. My responsibility lays in making the choice every single day. It is the focus of my life now, to make the choice and take the steps that will move me forward along this new path, perhaps not simply because it’s new to me or because it’s so different than anything I’ve known before; I see the choice as being free to have the choice itself or return to not having it by deceiving myself into thinking again that there is no choice for me.
I really appreciate your comments here. I think that is the biggest challenge – not to get into the behavior of trying to protect people from who you are. I work with so many addicts (and have been one myself!) , and I find that once we start exploring their addiction, they have adopted it as a strategy to actually love the people around them. They believe that by my drinking/numbing behavior, I’m protecting people from my anger, or my criticism, or my depression. The reality is that we heal by showing up as we fully are and seeking healing and help. That takes so much courage and faith in the people and community around us to be able to”handle our truth.”
I agree. I read somewhere years ago now that true humility isn’t bowing, scraping and pretending to be meek or humble - it is being genuinely yourself and admitting to others who and what you are. I’ve tried to put that into practice every day for the last 35+ years.
Being real and dealing from the real of who and what I am.
Thank you for your post, btw. It gave me pause to think and respond.
I'm glad this post gave you pause to think Micheal.
I once wrote "Everything was white at first. Later they filled in the shadows."
Babies are born without shame, but it and the idea of sin can be inflicted beyond a child's ability to understand.
As you related, the way out is hard and steep.
Congrats on your journey.
Thank you for the pictures and the quote Pamela. I always imagine what the world would be like if we all took the attitude of empathy first rather than assume animosity first. Namaste 🙏
Steve, I can't help but wonder the same thing. Empathy and compassion are so vital in our world.
And-I appreciate you commenting Pamela on this Thich Nhat Hanh quotation. I am a huge fan of Thich Nat Hanh and unfortunately, I used Buddhism and meditation as a way of spiritual bypassing. I tolerated a lot of abusive behavior, because it’s I would contextualize it, excuse it, and aim to use it as a catalyst for my spiritual growth. It actually became a form of spiritual arrogance: look at me transcending your abusive behavior using meditation. Therefore, I am a truly spiritual person.
Spirituality is a tool to move beyond excusing the bad behavior of others.
Animosity and tolerance are enablers.
See my post Apr11 Emotional Gold
Yes exactly that. It's to be used in my opinion to call it, name it for what it is. Not for you to endure someone's psychopathic tendencies. We cannot solve everyone else's issues, we have to sort ourselves out. And stepping out of the abuse whirlpool that one easily gets sucked into means you can heal if affected and you allow the other person a chance to sort out their stuff... I hope you are ok and are safe. No one should tolerate abusive behaviour.
Thanks for your reponse WP. It is so important to step out of abusive situations. We can't always help everyone.
That blackberry flower pic is pretty, and pretty awesome!
Thank you Dave!
Such wisdom. Thank you, Pamela.
So glad you appreciated it!
Pamela, I profoundly respect Thich Nhat Hanh and know that all of us need to follow his teachngs to make this a better world. Thank you for postin.
Thanks Allan! He was someone we might consider to be an enlightened being.
Very much so
Beautiful photos Pamela!
Thank you Annie!
In the future I will expand more on being an empath and the need for people who feel deeply to protect themselves from things that might trigger them.
That said, I removed a comment I felt was out of context from the post and a bit triggering.
I will be interested to read more about your empathicness, and how to protect one's self from the energy of others. Seems to me it is a constant battle--first trying to determine if what one feels is truly one's own, then how to resist it if it isn't. I am getting much better at not getting triggered by things, but it is hard to protect from energy that isn't yours. (I think of it like putting on a raincoat over an absorbent cotton shirt.)
Oh thank you for the lovely photos and quotes about nature and mindfullness. I hope you are well on your way recovering from your procedure and able to get about comfortably and reliably very soon.
Don't worry if you miss a post or two, taking care of yourself is most important .
Thanks so much @Mo Mo. My procedure is still a few weeks out. I have a few things to take care of first.
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
I love this - my teenage son was yelling at us all the time and I finally listened beneath the yell was a cry for needing space and autonomy, but not knowing how to express it. I helped him find summer job away from home and he is sooooo happy now!
Corie, I'm so glad you were able to help him find a better way! Love in action! Beautiful 😍
I am an also empath. I remind myself that hurt people hurt people. I can add to a suffering person's hurt by responding in kind of giving them grace. I take a deep breath when someone hurts me, and I choose to give grace.
Gina-Marie, I think we empaths really get the importance of giving grace. Have you read any of Dr. Judith Orloffs books on being an empath?
No, I haven't. I'll add her books to my to read list
I found them to be very helpful. "The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People" and "Second Sight" were both helpful and enlightening.
I found The Empath's Survival Guide on Kindle Unlimited. 👐😍
Yes! I noticed that! Let me know what you think.
Will do.
Hoping to return for more of ppls honesty plus reflection on Thich Nhat Hanh here. A notable springboard for our inner needs and drives for change
Fantastic quote and agree. But we cannot always be the ones helping. Unless they get professional help they will end up ruining you these hurting desperate people. Then again, I am no Buddhist monk to have endless portions of patience. This gives a very good understanding and realisation that it's not me... it's them.
Very lovely photos.
Thank you Doris!
shielding your heart is tricky — it’s both necessary for self preservation and yet it’s essential for providing the required grace.
i enjoyed the thich quote and your extension of it. ahimsa✌️
Shielding your heart is indeed very tricky. I'm so glad you enjoyed the post. ✌️
Great read.
Thanks so much Malcolm. Glad you enjoyed!